


Plague of Parenthood

by crazy_buckets (Unhuman_feeling)



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: AU, College Professor Dib, Dib is 29, Gaz is a streamer, M/M, Older Dib (Invader Zim), Zim disappears for like 15 years, irken baby, maternal instincts zim, parental dib, reunited
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:20:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24317962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unhuman_feeling/pseuds/crazy_buckets
Summary: Despite the title, being a college professor wasn't so bad. After all, once you've published several thesis papers about the paranormal, teaching first year sociology is pretty much the only thing you're qualified for.Dib was proud of moving on after Zim had left Earth all those years ago. He had a place of his own, a job he didn't hate, and still managed to do some of his own investigating in his free time. He was ready for the return of his alien at any point, but he certainly wasn't ready for another one.Dib couldn't possibly fathom the idea of raising a human baby, let alone an irken one! And with Zim having already left the planet before Dib had a chance to tell him, he was gonna have to figure out what on earth he was going to do with this Smeet.
Relationships: Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 117





	1. Chapter the First

_ Hi Tabitha. Thank you for your email. The assignment is due on the 22nd of April, as discussed in class, and the wordcount is 1500 words, with a 10% leeway on either side. 350 words is not an acceptable submission, even if the words you use are ‘very long’. Also, in your email, you referred to me as Professor Membrane. I understand that is the title that I have, but I’m not really one for long names, so please just call me Dr Dib, or Professor Dib if you need to. Thank you, and I’ll see you in class. _

Taking the first year sociology class was the very worst thing that Dib had ever done, and he had once been a chair.

He was _six_ weeks into the semester. Six weeks of these kids showing up at his lectures and his discussion groups, where he introduced himself as Dr Dib, and they _still_ didn’t get it. To be fair, the university _did_ print Professor Membrane on all of his identification, and all over the faculty’s website, but the fact that the kids didn’t listen to him was still a burning point of rage.

Dib hadn’t really ever wanted to be a Professor in the first place. He’d gone into Sociology because it was the closest thing he had to studying the paranormal, and not wanting to get a ‘real job’ after graduating, he’d gone on to do a thesis. Now, with a tidy number of published academic works about the paranormal and their effect on society under his belt, the only thing he was qualified to do was teach first-year sociology.

It wasn’t the worst job in the world. The hours weren’t super strict, it paid the bills, and it meant that he didn’t have to go and work at his Dad’s labs at all. His Dad was probably well past the age of retirement at this point, but Dib assumed that man would keep working until he either died or discovered immortality.

Not that he really spoke to his father anymore. He’d go home on Christmas, where the three Membranes would eat Foodio’s Christmas special and give powerpoint presentations as to what they’d been up to over the past year, and then go home and move on with their lives. It was an arrangement that seemed to be working. Membrane Labs was still doing it’s job in making everything better, Dib was a small, successful college professor who owned an apartment close to campus with a good window to poke his telescope out of, and Gaz was an internet-famous video game streamer who earned more money than Dib ever thought was possible. But still, she was happy, his Dad was happy, and Dib was as happy as he could be at this point, he supposed.

With a sigh, he folded the lid of his laptop and glanced at his telescope. The rest of the student emails could wait until the morning, and besides, he had some work to do. Pretty much everyone in his life had assumed that he was finished with all his paranormal investigations, but he made an effort to keep it on the down-low as much as possible. It was a lot easier now that he lived alone, and made an effort to keep everyone out of his house.

He had cameras on Zim’s base,and still checked them every day, despite the fact that nothing would ever show up on them again. Zim had left Earth when Dib was 15, informing him before he left that he was going on a super secret mission to go and find his alien overlords and ensure that they were okay after the whole florpus-incident and he was unable to contact them. Dib had been happy to see him to, to know that the earth was safe, but at the same time, it did leave him with a certain emptiness that he couldn’t really find a way out of.

High school had been really, really hard for Dib. He’d built his entire personality around defeating this one alien, and now that that alien was gone, who _was_ he? He didn’t really know, to be honest, and he still didn’t. He checked the satellites every night, kept an eye out for any extraterrestial signals, but the day that Zim left was the day that his purpose disappeared. What was his purpose now? To teach first year sociology?

God, that was a miserable thought. He clicked through all his own camera feeds, and then clicked to the NASA feeds to check them as well. They didn’t even bother to monitor their own feeds anymore, but after Dib had sent them enough emails, he had access to them these days. Occassionally there would be a blurry something-or-other in the distance, and he kept a very clean log of updated photos, but nothing as huge as the adventures that Zim brought.

Gaz had been saying for a while that Dib either needed to start dating or get a cat. Dib would always blow her off, assuring her that he was fine and he had a _perfectly normal_ amount of social interaction, but there was something about the truth seeker forums that didn’t give him the same buzz these days as when he was a kid. Sure, they took him more seriously now that he was older, but he also had nothing to give them on the same level as Zim.

_ Rustle rustle _

Dib frowned, looking past his computer screen and into the kitchen. Maybe the rats were back. His landlord kept promising to get rid of the pest problem, and then a few months later, they’d be back once again. He supposed this was part of living next to a forest, but it was still quite annoying, especially considering that they utterly terrified him and he’d have to call Gaz to come over and get them out of his apartment.

He shrugged once the noise left, and got back to work. He screened through all the moon cameras, and then moved onto Jupiter, before another _rustle rustle_ interrupted him again. He groaned and looked at the clock. 11:46. Probably a good time to go and take his medication for the night and maybe make some warm tea or something to help him sleep.

Sleeping was something that Dib was not very good at. Ever since Zim left, his sleep pattern had simply disintegrated. Most nights he struggled to get to sleep, and even once he got there, constant nightmares kept him up. His therapist had explained that this was because of the trauma, and had tried to teach him about ‘sleep hygiene’ and ‘turning all screens off before 6pm’ and all that, but in the end, Dib had accepted that lack of sleep was just going to be something that accompanied him throughout his life.

He’d been in therapy since Zim had left, during those really hard years. He spent most of high school in and out of inpatient programs after he’d tried to end it a couple of times, and then more years in therapy and trying different medications and such. They’d diagnosed him with OCD, which accounted for a lot of the checking of the cameras and anxiety and stuff, and then PTSD, which was something he hadn’t expected.

They told him that Zim was actually a coping mechanism that he’d created in his head, to deal with the trauma of his father being so absent while he and Gaz were kids. It wasn’t the best thing in the world to deal with, but the meds that they gave him for it helped him feel a bit less stressed and helped him sleep, so he let his therapists believe what they want. It had been almost 15 years, he was past the point of arguing.

As he gently stirred a spoonful of honey into his chamomile tea, it came again. _Rustle rustle._ Dib was about to reach for his phone to text his landlord that _the rats were back_ , when a sudden robotic noise clanged through the room, and a blob fell from the ceiling.

“WHA- WHO ARE YOU!?”

“Dib-Thing!” The voice was clear. “I am ZIM!”

“YOU!” was the only thing that Dib could enunciate. “YOU’RE… ZIM! You’re back! Wha-”

“SILENCE!” The irken screeched, letting his robotic legs lower him in front of the human. Dib stood silently, half in horror, half in awe, taking no note that he’d just dropped his tea and the cup had shattered all over the floor.

“Y-You-”

“You’ve gotten… _tall,_ Dirt-Child.” Zim frowned, peering up to Dib’s grand height of 6 feet. “EUGH! AGE!”

“W-Well, y-you’ve been gone for 15 years!” Dib stammered, still struggling to come to terms with the fact that the alien was _back_ and was in his _kitchen._

“14 years, 104 days and 12 hours of YOUR time, human!” Zim paced with his hands behind his back. “I was gone for SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS!”

“Why are you back?!” Dib accused, coming to the realisation that he’d dropped his drink, and fumbled with the cupboard to grab a cloth to clean it up. “Why did you need to come back?! Where did you even  _go?!”_

“SILENCE!” Zim screeched again. “You don’t dare to ask questions of the almighty ZIM!”

Dib wiped the floor as best he could, and dropped the larger broken chunks of mug into the trash. Zim wouldn’t just come back for no reason. He’d disappeared to go and find the Tallest, to tell them how amazing he was, considering that they weren’t answering their phones. The Tallest really didn’t like Zim, and Dib wondered what had happened while the irken was gone. Did he get kicked off the ship or something? Was he banished? There was no way that the alien would admit to any of this, obviously, but Dib sensed that something wasn’t quite right.

“Are you okay?” He asked softly, turning back to the irken. “What happened?”

He was expecting some sort of outburst from the alien, Zim had an ego bigger than Dib’s head, but surprisingly didn’t get one. Zim ducked behind the other side of the kitchen island, and Dib heard him open his PAK. Dib took a step forward to peek around in curiosity, before Zim suddenly appeared in front of him, shoving a blob of green in his face.

It took Dib a second to comprehend the situation, but he felt his stomach drop. “WHO THE FUCK LET _YOU_ HAVE A BABY?!”

“BABY?!” Zim seemed almost offended, and he clutched it close to his chest. “This is a MIGHTY IRKEN SMEET!”

“You can’t steal other people’s BABIES, ZIM!” Dib gestured frantically. “Where are it’s parents?!”

“Foolish HUMAN!” Zim extended his robot legs so he was at the same eye level as Dib. “Irken smeets don’t reproduce like humanity’s disgusting methods! Zoop is a PERFECT REPRODUCTION OF ALL IRKEN LIFE!”

“You named him *Zoup*?” Dib raised an eyebrow. “I mean, I get irkens have stupid names, but-”

“SILENCE!” Zim placed his hands on his hips. “He’s SUPERIOR!”

“Okay, okay!” The human held his hands in the air. “How did you get… it? Did you like, reproduce? Or did you get it from your leaders, or-”

“Zim RESCUED him!” He reported with a smile. “I went on a mission to find the remains of the IRKEN ARMADA, only to find the Massive DESERTED on the other side of the Florpus. The Tallest must have led the irken race to a BETTER ship to further conquer the universe! This Smeet was the only living thing detected amongst the wreckage!”

It took Dib a moment to register the information. “Zim… I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t be SORRY!” Zim responded proudly. “The Irkens have simply moved on to a new ship, or a new planet! My new role is going to find them! We shall repopulate and OVERTAKE THE GALAXY! Maybe not with this Smeet though. Irken children are supposed to be _intelligent._ This one just cries and wants cuddles. _Eugh._ ”

“Erm… right…” Dib scratched the back of his neck. “Zim, dude, have you thought that maybe the ship was deserted because the Tallest, maybe…. Died?”

“YOU GET TO WATCH THE SMEET!” Zim screeched, pushing it into Dib’s arms and sprinting outside.

Dib stood for a moment, frozen in shock as the child made eye contact with him. It was a cute little thing, if Dib was being honest, big ruby eyes and soft features, much like a human baby. He was about to ask Zim what he meant by that, before the familiar sound of the Voot taking off echoed through the house.

He ran outside, ditching the baby in the kitchen, only to see Zim and the ship start to levitate off the ground.

“I’M GOING TO FIND THE ARMADA!” Zim yelled back, a smile on his face. “SEE YOU SOON, DIB-THING!”

“ZIM! TAKE YOUR CHILD WITH YOU!”

“BYE-BYE!”

Dib’s heart pounded in his chest as he stood at the back of his garden, watching the Voot until it disappeared into the sky. He’d been waiting 15 _years_ for this alien to come back, and he had nothing. No photos, no videos, no proof that he’d been back at all. Even the cameras in his backyard had been melted by the Voot as it took off. It was all for _nothing._

Until the smeet  _screamed._

Dib raced back inside, nearly tripping over his own feet as he ran to find the child. Zim had left him with an _actual alien baby,_ in his _own home_. Oh _God,_ what was he going to do?! He couldn’t raise a _human_ child, let alone an alien! Sure, he could study the thing, but he had a full time job now!

The baby was on the floor, lying on it’s stomach and _screaming,_ clearly not able to sit up on it’s own. Dib was hesitant to touch the thing, especially considering that the scars from where it’s PAK had been attached were still _very much_ not healed yet. There wasn’t any blood, but Dib could _see_ the stitches, and the swelling, and _god_ that baby must be in so much _pain._

“H-Hey there, little guy.” He reluctantly lifted the baby’s head off the floor, and after making sure that it wasn’t hurt by his touch, lifted it up to his chest. “Zim said your name was… Zoop or something, right? Well, I’m not sure where Zim went, but, um, I’m Dib? Dr Dib. Professor Membrane was my father. Please don’t call me that…”

_ You idiot, you’re speaking to a fucking baby like it’s gonna call you Professor Membrane. Grow up, Dib. You’re not twelve anymore. _

“God, this is _weird_.” He muttered, bouncing softly (wasn’t that what you were meant to do with babies?). “I… I should call Gaz.”

The more he bounced, the more settled the baby became, until eventually it was snoozing softly on his chest and Dib was pounding Gaz’s number into his phone. Hopefully she wouldn’t be asleep just yet - it was only 1.

“What do you _want,_ Dib?” She answered grumpily, clearly having been woken up.

“ZIM!” Dib shrieked into the phone. “He’s- He!”

“Dib?” She sounded a bit more concerned now. “Dude, are you okay? Did you forget to take your meds or something? I haven’t heard you like this since you were a kid…”

“He’s BACK, GAZ! Or, he _was_ back! He - I HAVE AN ALIEN BABY SLEEPING ON MY CHEST AND I NEED YOU TO GET OVER HERE!”

“ _What_?” She questioned, before groaning as she let her head rest back against the pillow. “Dib, it’s nearly 2am. Can you take your emergency meds and I’ll come visit in the morning?”

“I’m not CRAZY, Gaz!” He snapped. “There’s a, a SMEET and I-I-”

Gaz groaned once again as she pulled herself out of bed. “Don’t do anything stupid. I’ll be there soon. And _please_ be clothed when I get there.”

“What?” Dib questioned, before quickly shaking his head. “Thanks, Gaz. You’re gonna be so impress-”

Gaz hung up the phone before giving Dib a chance to finish his sentence. She’d sort her brother out, made sure he got some sleep, and would let his therapist know she’d visited in the morning. That was just what sisters did.


	2. Chapter the Second

“Huh. You weren’t hallucinating.” Gaz mumbled, hanging her coat up as she stepped into Dib’s apartment. “There’s actually. An Irken baby. Huh.”

“Shhh!” Dib pressed his finger to his lips. “It’s  _ sleeping. _ Don’t you  _ dare  _ wake it up!”

Dib had settled down on the sofa, watching old reruns of  _ mysterious mysteries,  _ with the volume muted and subtitles on. The baby seemed comfortable sleeping on his chest, it’s head tucked right into his neck, so he didn’t  _ dare  _ move from his spot on the couch.

“I thought irkens didn’t sleep.” Gaz answered unsurely, sitting down beside him. 

“Well, this one  _ does. _ ” Dib sighed. “It...I don’t know. Zim said that it was strange. He said that Irken babies were meant to be smart but this one just like, cried and wanted hugs or something. It might be defective. Not that that’s a  _ bad  _ thing, but also, that makes  _ my  _ job a lot harder.”

“So… are you gonna keep it?”

“What?”

Gaz gestured to the sleeping smeet. “It seems to like you, man. Maybe this is just what you need. Some sort of alien pet that can keep you company. I worry about you, y’know. Like I’ve got 10 million subscribers and a cat, Dad has science and the guys at the lab, and you have…  _ nothing _ , Dib. You’re lonely.”

“I am not! I teach over 200 students about the wonders of sociology!”

“Yo _ u hate _ teaching sociology. And you refuse to go to any of the academic networking events to make friends. Maybe you just, need this, y’know?”

Dib glared at her. “I am the world expert in mythology,  _ Gaz.  _ I don’t need your advice.”

She rolled her eyes. “Dude, you’re avoiding the question. What are you going to do with the kid?”

He sighed, kicking his feet up onto the coffee table. “Zim said he’d be back, and like, I don’t want to get rid of the thing without him knowing. But it was also kinda unfair that he just like, dumped it on me without asking, y’know? But like, where would I even  _ put  _ it if I didn’t take care of it? I’d be giving it up to the authorities, and they’d do research and stuff, but… he’s a  _ baby, _ Gaz. I don’t know if I condone them hurting a baby.”

“CPS?”

“It’s got green skin and red eyes. CPS is gonna take one look at him and pass it over.”

“So you  _ are  _ gonna keep it then.” Gaz smiled. “I figured.”

Dib rolled his eyes. “It’ll… be good for research. I wonder how the irken aging differs from our own. I wonder if it has baby teeth!”

Gaz chuckled softly, seeing a light in her brother’s eyes that she hadn’t seen in a really long time. “Dude, you’re getting ahead of yourself. Taking care of a baby is a big deal. We’re gonna need to go shopping, and get some baby shit, and then we need to figure out what it eats and stuff. Do you have any research on irken kids already?”

“Not really.” Dib admitted. “I need to go home to Dad’s place and check Tak’s ship. It had a pretty good database. I’m still annoyed my landlord won’t let me keep it in the front yard. It’s not  _ that  _ ugly!”

“Okay. Well, let’s… get some sleep, yeah? And in the morning, we’ll hit the baby shop, and then we’ll drive out to Dad’s and check the ship. Do you have, like, a box or something that the kid can sleep in?”

“A box?”

“We’ll line it with blankets, obviously.” She rolled her eyes once again. “Like a crib.”

“Um.” Dib looked at the creature, still sleeping soundly on his chest. “I… I think it’s okay, here. WIth me. That way I can hear it if it wakes up or something, y’know? And I can keep it warm. It seems to get really cold when I’m not touching it.”

Gaz snorted. “Co-sleeping. Right. Cool. Okay, well, I’m gonna take your bed then. Sweet?”

“Make yourself at home.” Dib shrugged. “But… can you get me a glass of water? I can’t get up.”

“Oh my  _ god.  _ Fine, Mama bear. But only this once. Do you want a blanket or something?”

“That would be great, Gaz. Thank you.”

Gaz just patted his shoulder and headed to bed herself.

Dib didn’t plan on sleeping, and he didn’t think that he would. The baby would wake up at some point during the night, right? That’s what babies did. They woke up, and they screamed, and then they needed rocking and shushing until they fell back asleep. He had the old mysterious mysteries episodes to keep him company, and the irken would be fine.

Well, the irken baby slept better than any human baby that Dib had ever met. It seemed really quite settled on his stomach, not even waking up when Dib accidently sneezed and almost jumped out of his chair. Dib was surprisingly comfortable, with the smeet on his chest and the blanket over his legs. It truly shouldn’t have suprised him that he fell asleep a few minutes later.

\----

Dib woke up to the sound of a camera flash, and immediately jerked up. The Smeet was gone - no longer on his chest - and immediately his heart started racing. Was Zim back already?! Where was the baby!? What had happened?!

“DIB! Is that you?! Come here!” He heard Gaz from the kitchen, and after scrambling around the corner, breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the alien child happily sitting on the kitchen bench, slobbering all over a plastic bowl that Gaz had given it.

“You  _ scared  _ me, Gaz-”

“Oh, shush.” She rolled her eyes. “You left your sleep journal open, and dude, you needed the extra hours. It’s chill though, I really like your kid. He’s cute. Hasn’t stopped smiling all morning.”

The smeet giggled at Dib, happy gnawing on the plastic.

“R-Right…”

“Coffee?” Gaz asked, turning the machine on. “Also, did the kid have a name? Or do you get to name him?”

“Zim said his name was Zoop.” Dib responded, sitting down on one of his kitchen stools, in front of the baby. “Irkens are  _ weird. _ ”

Gaz was right, the baby  _ was  _ cute. It had those big, red eyes that Zim had, but seemed a lot cuter on him than Zim. He had one tooth growing, and seemed to really be going ham on the plastic bowl, without a lot of success. Teething, maybe? Dib wasn’t sure. Hopefully the ship would have some sort of insight, because he truly had no idea what he was dealing with here.

“You  _ can  _ touch him, Dib. Stop looking at him like he’s some sort of science experiment. He likes tickles.”

“You  _ tickled  _ him?”

Gaz rolled her eyes. “Of course. He’s a  _ baby.  _ He likes peek-a-boo, too. Oh, I gave him a sugar cube, ‘cause Zim used to eat them occassionally, and he seemed to enjoy it. But do you want to stick with Zoop? He’s young enough that you could change it and he’s have no idea. Looks kinda like a… Sebastian to me.”

“I’m pretty sure Irken’s have their names encoded into their PAK’s.” Dib mumbled in response, gently stroking the top of Zoop’s head as if he was a puppy. “So… I don’t think we can change it. It was why Zim absolutely  _ hated  _ it when I called him any nicknames.”

“Bummer.” Gaz pushed a cup of coffee along the bench to her brother. “I’ve been calling him Seb all morning. Oh well. Zoop it is.”

Zoop giggled and threw the bowl against the bench, giggling when it bounced away.

“Drink up. We got a big day ahead of us. I googled stuff that we’d need for a kid, and we probably won’t need bottles and stuff, but the rest of it might be important. And then it’s a 3 hour drive back to Dad’s place, so you need to hurry up.”

“Right.” Dib took a sip of his coffee.  _ Mmm.  _ Gaz always made good cups. “Oh,  _ shit. _ ”

“What?”

“We can’t just, take him out like that!” Dib gestured at the Smeet’s appearance. “He looks like a fucking  _ alien _ !”

Gaz frowned. “Well, what can you do? We can probably put him in one of your old shirts and use like, safety pins or something to make it like a little baby suit thing. Or we can wrap him in a blanket or something, y’know? As long as you hold him close, people aren’t gonna question it.”

“They are when they see his eyes.” Dib sighed, returning the plastic bowl to Zoop’s little hands. “Zim used to have contact lenses - WAIT!”

Gaz raised an eyebrow.

“When he left! I raided the base! I think I have his old disguise around here somewhere!” Dib grabbed the baby and quickly disappeared to the guest room, which was more an alien-equipment-storage-room at this point.

When Zim had left Earth when Dib was 15, he had left his base here, and it had taken Dib just over a month to get inside. Once he managed to recode the computer as no longer a threat, he could pretty much come and go as he pleased. He wasn’t able to access the computer’s database, as Zim had some pretty powerful security features, but he did find and take a lot of the alien technology. Zim’s contact lenses and wig were in the things he’d taken, and after sorting through a couple of baskets of extraterrestrial junk, he found what he was after.

“They might be a little… big, for you.” Dib chuckled, holding one of the lenses up to Zoop. “But that’s okay. I’ll trim them down. The wig, though… perfect!”

“So we just have a baby with a full head of hair?” Gaz chuckled at Zoop’s new hairdo.

“It’s better than a baby with antennae.” Dib smiled, holding the smeet up so it could see it’s reflection in the mirror. “See buddy? That’s you!”

“C’mon Dib, don’t tease him.”

“I’m not teasing him! He likes it, see!”

Zoop stared at his reflection for a few moments, before screaming and bursting into tears.

“Oh, here we go.” Gaz rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna shower.”

“Shit.” Dib muttered, quickly taking the baby away from the mirror. “Shhh. It’s okay. You’re okay. I know, I know, aliens are  _ scary. _ ”

What were you even meant to do with crying babies? From TV shows and movies, Dib knew to hold it close, lightly bounce it up and down and try to soothe it, but TV shows and movies didn’t really offer any other options for when that didn’t work. No matter how much he bounced or soothed, Zoop didn’t stop wailing, and Gaz shook her head at him when she eventually emerged after her shower.

“He won’t  _ stop,  _ Gaz!” Dib continued bouncing the kid as he walked around the living room. “I can’t figure out how to get him to chill!”

“He’s a  _ baby,  _ Dib. He doesn’t know what chill means. If he’s not soothing that that means he  _ needs _ something.”

“Like  _ what?!” _

“Like a nap, or some food, or maybe he’s in pain or something. Stop bouncing him, it’s not helping.”

“Oh.” Dib frowned, coming to a stop. “He, uh, what is it buddy? Are you hungry? Do you want another sugar cube? How can I help?”

Gaz rolled her eyes and gently took Zoop into her own arms. It was only once Dib wasn’t holding him that he could see the PAK flashing red, and a black sludge seeping out from behind it.

He held in the urge to vomit and gently tapped the PAK, wondering if it would do anything. “I reckon… I don’t know. Zim’s never did this. Maybe it’s hurting him.”

“I thought their brains were in their PAK’s.” Gaz raised an eyebrow.

“They are. They’re born, their spines are removed, and then this gets fitted to them. Is that it, buddy? Is your PAK hurting you? What do you want me to do?”

“I swear to god, Dib, you  _ can’t  _ just ask a baby what’s wrong with it, and if I hear you do it again, I’m gonna  _ end  _ you.” Gaz gently sat the baby on the kitchen bench so she could also examine the PAK. “Hmm. I’d say that’s it. Doesn’t look very nice.”

Dib pulled down his first aid kid, and being very careful, used a tissue to wipe away the sludge. The kid probably needed some stitches or something for the wound, it was  _ big.  _ Maybe the PAK hadn’t been fitted correctly, and that was why there was such a big wound on the kid’s back. Poor thing.

“The ship should have some answers.” Dib mumbled, murmuring apologetically as Zoop screamed in pain.

“We could give him some aspirin, but something is telling me that’s not a good idea.” Gaz responded, grabbing a sugar cube from the jar. “Here you go, Zoopy. Suck on this until we can get you a pacifier or a teething necklace or something.”

While Zoop was distracted by the sugar, Dib gently wound the bandage around the PAK and the wound around it, making sure it was tight enough to hold the PAK in place, but not tight enough to hurt him. His face was still tear-stained, and Dib was careful as he wrapped the kid in one of his old shirts as a makeshift baby-outfit, but eventually the tears stopped as Dib held him to his chest once again.

“Father of the year.” Gaz chuckled, snapping a photo of them. “Alright, let’s work on the lenses, and then we can head out. Any later and it’s gonna be midnight before we get to Dad’s.”

Dib anticipated working on the lenses to be quite difficult, but Gaz brought out a nail file, which made the process a lot easier than anticipated. Zoop had pretty big eyes, and they didn’t need to be made too much smaller, and after gently cleaning them off, they seemed to fit the baby pretty well. He did rub at his eyes for a little while (Dib remembered Zim complaining that they were itchy), but he didn’t take to them too badly, and after trimming down the wig a little, he passed fairly decently as a normal, human baby.

“Buh buh!” Zoop exclaimed, happily grabbing at Dib’s glasses.

“Look at you two. You’re  _ cute. _ ” Gaz chuckled. “C’mon guys. We gotta go.”

“Fine, but you’re driving. At least until we can get a baby seat. Do you think we’re gonna need a fancy one or just a regular one?”

“Oh my  _ god. _ Just get in the car, Dib.”

“Fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there!! thank you for all the love so far!! I really wasn't expecting a lot from a fic I was writing mostly for myself, but thank you all so much!!! Baby Daddy Dib is very fun to write sxfjgkdn so I have a lot of plans for him!!  
> I have an instagram (@crazy_buckets_) and a tumblr @crazy-buckets if anyone wants to chat!! I'm still really new to the IZ fandom and I don't really have any IZ friends so,,,, plz message me!! I'll talk Zim any day :))  
> Thank you once again!! I hope you have an amazing day!! <3


	3. Chapter the Third

_ Paranoid,  _ was the very best word for Dib once they got to the baby store.

Sure, Zoop was disguised. He was nicely wrapped in one of Dib’s old shirts, lenses on and the wig firmly stuck to his head. Despite this, Dib clutched him tightly to his chest, his hand firmly holding Zoop’s head to his shoulder so he couldn’t show his face.

Gaz took the lead at the baby store, grabbing a shopping cart and heading through the aisles. Dib followed her cautiously, watching the other customers to make sure they didn’t notice anything.

“Gaz, I think that family is staring at us… let’s go to the other aisle.”

She snorted. “No, they’re staring at  _ you, _ because you look like a  _ crazy  _ person.”

“Gaz!”

“It’s true!” She told him, holding her arms out for the baby. “C’mon. Pass him over.”

“No! He’s  _ mine. _ ”

“And he _also_ has an open wound on his back, right where your _hand_ is. He’ll be safer in the cart, okay? There’s a little seat for him and everything. And _besides._ You need to chill out.”

Reluctantly, Dib handed him over. Zoop enjoyed sitting in the cart, it seemed, kicking his legs occassionally and giggling. He put his mouth on the metal a few times, and after Dib freaked out about the bacteria, he was now slobbering happily all over Dib’s work phone.

“See? Perfectly normal.” Gaz chuckled, throwing things into the cart.

“Careful.” Dib warned her, picking some things up. “I don’t have millions of dollars like you do.”

“Relax.” She chuckled, throwing a pack of baby blankets into the cart. “I’ll get it. It’s not like I have anything else to spend my money on.”

“Of course you don’t.” Dib breathed, watching the pile grow higher.

He was glad he owned a fairly big car, as there was quite a lot that Gaz decided that they needed. She picked out a crib first of all, one nicely sized and suiting the rest of Dib’s furniture. Then there was bedding for it, baby pillows, a mobile (with little spaceships on it), and a few soft toys to finish the crib off. Then she went on a rampage for toys, picking an assortment of things for the kid, and a few teething toys to distract him with. Then there was a comfort baby blanket, a seemingly endless pile of little baby clothes, a stroller, a diaper bag, some bottles (just in case it had like, a weird diet or something), and some pacifiers. She even grabbed a couple of little baby hats to put on his head in case he didn’t want to wear the wig, and some mittens and booties as well.

“You’re lucky your Aunty Gaz thinks you’re  _ cute. _ ” She chuckled, handing her credit card to the cashier.

Zoop just giggled happily.

Dib gently changed him into one of his new little onesies in the bathroom at the baby store, and made sure that his disguise was still looking as neat as it did when they left the house. He looked a lot better once he was in normal human baby clothes, and seemed to take well to the pacifier as well. Gaz snapped a photo of them both as they walked out to meet her at the car.

“Hey!” Dib called. “Stop!”

“Just saying. You’re gonna want these for the baby book.” She chuckled, looking at the photos. “You’re a  _ natural,  _ Dib. The kid loves you. And he looks so  _ cute  _ with his little outfitt on!”

“Maybe.” He rolled his eyes, getting in the car. “C’mon. We gotta head off or it’s gonna be dark by the time we get to Dad’s.”

“Fine.” Gaz chuckled, resuming her position in the driver’s seat.

Zoop was pretty content sitting on Dib’s lap and watching the cars drive past on the highway for the first part of the drive, but after a while, starting to get a bit sleepy, and Dib once again became a bed for the kid. Surprisingly, he found he didn’t mind. Zoop was warm, and slept soundly on his chest, and Dib made sure to hold him tight, but not in a way that would hurt his PAK, or any part of him for that matter.

Gaz turned the radio down so the baby could sleep, but they didn’t talk. Dib softly ran a hand through Zoop’s wig, thinking about what was going to happen once he went back to work on Monday. University teaching wasn’t the same 9-5 that a lot of people had, but he couldn’t just  _ leave  _ the baby at home. He couldn’t really hire a babysitter, and leaving it with Gaz wasn’t really an option, considering she had to stream video games and please her millions of loyal fans.

But what on earth were his students going to think when he showed up to class with a baby with green skin? He’d spent years detailing mythology and alien encounters to some of these kids, they were  _ bound  _ to know that something was up.

Dib sighed, resting his head back. He needed to check the assignment submissions of most of the kids anyway. He had meant to send out a reminder email this morning, but that hadn’t happened. The department was going to  _ kill  _ him.

“You okay?” Gaz asked softly, mindful not to wake the baby.

“Fine, fine.” Dib adjusted his posture. “Just thinking about work.”

“Mmm. That must suck.”

He snorted softly. “Yeah. How’s your streaming going? Still raking in the cash?”

“Yeah.” Gaz responded quietly. “It’s just, getting a bit monotonous now, y’know? I’ve been playing the same games for a while, and the streams are fun and all, it’s just, starting to get a bit boring. Revenge of the Vampire Piggies 34 is meant to come out in a few months, but even then…”

“What? You’re not excited for a new Vampire Piggies game? Who are you and what have you done with my sister?!”

“Shut up.” She growled, before chuckling softly. “Yeah. it’s weird. I’m just, getting older. It’s nothing like how I liked it when I was 18. I’m stil  _ huge,  _ but that’s hard because it’s hard to find people to play with who aren’t intimidated by me, and dating is even  _ harder. _ ”

“Oh, so  _ that’s  _ what this is about.” Dib raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah. I mean, it’s hard to find  _ any  _ lesbian gamer girls who aren’t either massive fans, or absolutely hate me. Maybe I just need to move countries or something. I don’t think I have a huge fan base in Russia…”

“Don’t you  _ dare.  _ I’m not dealing with Dad’s bullshit on my own.  _ And  _ you have Aunt responsibilities now.”

“That’s true. I’m not leaving, Dib. I just… it’s hard, y’know?”

“I know.” He nodded. “Not quite the same, but I’ve had a similar thing.”

“Not quite.” She chuckled. “You’ve been in love with the same Alien since you were 12 years old, and when he  _ left  _ you, it  _ destroyed  _ you, and you’ve been waiting for him to come back ever since.”

“GAZ!”

Zoop, disturbed by Dib’s sudden outburst, awoke and burst into tears.

“There you go.” She sighed, checking the road signs. “Well done.”

“That one was  _ your  _ fault.” Dib sighed, cuddling the baby close. “Shhh. It’s okay. I’m sorry. Aunty Gaz is a  _ meanie. _ ”

“Oh,  _ definitely. _ ” She rolled her eyes.

He finally settled by the time that they reached the Membrane family home. Well, the  _ old  _ Membrane family home. It was just Professor Membrane’s house now, and a collection of Dib’s old space junk that didn’t fit in his apartment. Dib made an effort to avoid coming here as much as possible, and as always, a shiver ran down his spine as he stepped out of the car.

But then again, the kid in his arms reminded him that he had  _ responsibilities  _ now, and he needed to get over himself for Zoop’s sake.

“Dad’s here.” Gaz gestured to the car in the drive, “C’mon. We’ll have to say hi or the security system will call us intruders.”

Dib groaned. “Really?”

“Really. And besides, I’m sure Dad wants to meet his Grandson!”

“He is  _ not  _ Dad’s Grandson.” Dib muttered, holding Zoop protectively. “But  _ fine. _ ”

Membrane still wore his trenchcoat covering his face, like he always did, but Dib could see the smile lines under his goggles when he opened the door. “Son! Daughter! You came to visit!”

“Yeah.” Gaz hugged her father. “Dib came to pick some stuff up, and I thought we might say hello. Do you have time for coffee or do you need to get back to work?”

Membrane referred to his schedule for a moment, before stepping back to let his children inside. “I have 3 minutes and 35 seconds left of rest before resuming my IMPORTANT work! Come! Sit!”

Membrane would never admit this, but his age had forced him to slow down a little with his work. Getting to the actual labs and back every day was proving to be difficult on his body, so most of the time he took a more ‘managerial’ role, ordering the important experiments to be done from the comfort of his home, and occassionally working on a few of his own projects, with adequate rest breaks intertwined in his schedule. This was one of them.

“This is Zoop.” Dib told him unsurely, gently sitting the irken on his lap. “You remember my friend Zim? He, uh, left his kid with me for a little while while he disappeared again.”

“Of course I remember, son! The alien that left and gave you all those abandonment issues!”

“Hey!”

“Dad, calm down.” Gaz returned from the kitchen with some beverages for all of them. “It’s good that Dib’s back in touch with him. And hey, the kid’s cute.”

“He is awfully green.” Membrane peered at the baby. “Does he have the same skin condition?”

“Oh, yeah.” Dib nodded. “That’s, uh, that’s why we’re here! Zim’s computer is in my stuff and it has some information about how to treat it, so, we dropped by to have a look.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful, Son!” Membrane enthused. “So caring! How is the university going? It’s not  _ science,  _ but I am still so glad you found a fulfilling career in academics!”

Dib sighed. “It’s fine. First year sociology and all. Most of the kids are pretty dumb, but they’re learning, and the student feedback says that I’m a pretty engaging lecturer, so yeah.”

“And Gazlene! My funny child! How is, Erm, internet going!”

“Great, Dad.” She laughed. “Making money, making people happy. It’s cool.”

“Excellent! I’m glad to hear my children are doing well! Now I must return to my very important SCIENCE!”

“You do that, Dad.” Dib watched as his father made his way to the lab in the basement.

Once they were in the clear, Dib, Gaz and Zoop went digging for Tak’s ship in the garage. It didn’t take long to find, after all, it was  _ huge,  _ but it did take them some time to get all the other junk away from it and plug it in to the power source.

After the whole Florpus incident, Gaz had spent some time flying around in it as a hobby, but upon letting Dib have a turn that  _ one  _ time, he had promptly crashed it and had never managed to figure out exactly how to repair it. It had since returned to it’s home in the garage, calling Dib names whenever he turned it on. Like right now.

“RETURN ME TO MY RIGHTFUL OWNER! DIB! YOU STILL LOOK STUPID!” It paused a second. “Taller, though.”

Dib rolled his eyes. “Look, Ship. I’ve got… um… this…”

“THAT’S AN IRKEN CHILD! WHO ALLOWED YOU TO HAVE AN IRKEN-”

Dib cut it off. “ _ Look. _ I’m not asking you to like it. I’m asking you to  _ help  _ me. Help me with the kid, okay? Because Zim dropped if off in my care and left before I had a chance to ask him about ANYTHING and I just, wanna make sure I’m looking after him, okay? Is that okay?”

It thought for a minute, recoiling at the mention of Zim’s name, but in the end, agreed. “Fine! Place the irken child on the seat!”

Zoop was enthralled with all the lights and colours inside the ship, and giggled at Dib from the chair. The ship was silent for a few moments.

“Is everything okay?”

“This child is INJURED!” It bellowed, moving it’s arm-like parts. “YOU HAVE INJURED THIS TINY IRKEN SOLIDER!”

“No, no, that wasn’t me! Zim gave him to me like that!” Dib tried to calm it down. “I want to help it! That’s why I came to see you!”

The ship thought about this, before grunting in frustration. “Someone has tried to remove it’s PAK.”

“What?” Dib frowned. “I thought it was installed incorrectly.”

“No.” The ship informed. “It was fitted correctly. Zoop is a perfectly healthy Irken child, but someone has tried to remove the PAK without the control brains and it’s now in need of adjustment. You need to take it to the control brain. No human medicine will fix it entirely.”

Dib frowned, and Gaz stepped forward. “ _ Well,  _ considering  _ we  _ don’t have a way off Earth, what do you propose we do about it?”

“Don’t take him to any filthy human doctors!” The ship instructed, before growling in frustration. “I’ll print you off some instructions. And basic care guide! But ONLY until Zim returns for him! This child belongs with the brilliant Irken Tallest!”

“Yeah, yeah, we get it.” Gaz rolled her eyes, grabbing the paper coming out of a suprise printer on the ship’s dashboard.

“Um, Ship… Zim said he found the Massive in a wreck. I was wondering, do you know where they are? Do you know if they’re still.... Alive?”

“Of course they are!” The ship retorted. “The Irken is the strongest bloodline in the galaxy! Let me connect-” It stopped. “Oh. My connecter is damaged. But the Tallest would NEVER let the Irken empire fall! Don’t be stupid!”

“Okay, thanks!” Gaz informed in a fake cheery tone, before unplugging the power supply.

The machine whirred, before powering off. Dib dove to grab Zoop before the door slammed closed, and he took a nervous breath as he clutched the giggling baby to his chest. “GAZ!”

“Sorry, forgot about him. Good catch, though.” She shrugged. “Anyway, I think we got what we needed. We should probably head home.”

“Buh buh!” Zoop exclaimed.

“See, there you go. He agrees.” Gaz smiled.

Dib ended up following his sister back out to his car, but couldn’t help but look out at space. Hopefully Zim was right, and the tallest would be okay, and maybe Zoop could go back to his people someday. But at the same time, his stomach twisted and told him that that probably wasn’t the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! Thank you for all the love so far!! I hope you liked the chapter and you're doing well!! Endless love to you!!
> 
> Also I probably should have prefaced this in chapter 1, but I know literally nothing about babies at all, so if this isn't a totally accurate depiction, I apologise dkngolwrokg.
> 
> Anyway! Comments are loved with every cell of my heart and I appreciate you all so much!! Have an amazing day!! <3


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